This Was Real
by autumn midnights
Summary: Lucy imagines Roxanne and her being together, but she thinks that they will never have a chance. When Roxanne finds Lucy alone in her bedroom at Audrey's birthday, some things are revealed about both girls. Cousincest and femslash. Complete.


_Disclaimer: Yeah, I still don't own Harry Potter, 'cause I'm not JK Rowling._

_Author's Note: Written for the Cousincest Competition (character: Roxanne, prompt: shoreline), the Not For the Faint of Heart Competition ('Cest oneshot), Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Competition (Instant Darkness Powder - it's kind of angsty, I suppose, and also has a taboo element because of the cousincest), the Harry Potter Femmeslash Project Challenge (Angst and fluff, I suppose), the Wand Wood Competition (Elder - a pairing with less than 300 fics in the archive), the Key Signature Competition (C minor) and the Hunger Games Fanfic Style Competition (I used the prompts 'fists', 'Gabrielle Delacour', 'Potions', "There's something I've always wanted to ask...", and 'blissful'). _

* * *

Lucy stood at the window of her room, looking outside. Below her, the Weasley-Potters, along with friends of the family, were milling around in the backyard, the atmosphere light and relaxed. It was her mother's birthday, and they had all gathered together for it, just like they did for all the family celebrations that occurred during the summer.

She clenched her hands into fists, a harsh sigh escaping from her mouth. Did anyone even notice that she wasn't there? Did anybody even give a damn that Lucy had stayed up in her room for almost the entire party? She had only gone downstairs to tell Lily that everybody else was outside, since she had heard the younger girl rummaging around in the kitchen cupboards for something to eat. Lily had rolled her eyes, said, "I do realize that, Luce," and flounced outside, and Lucy had retreated back to her bedroom.

She didn't particularly want to go down there. Usually, she enjoyed her family's company; she was quiet around most other people, but it was a different story with her family. She had grown up knowing them all, playing with them as a little girl, talking and joking when she was older. She didn't have problems with any of them - sure, James could be an arrogant troublemaker, and Lily could also be described as such, at times, but often they amused her instead of annoying her. Besides, it wasn't even them that she was avoiding. It was Roxanne.

Eighteen-year-old Roxanne was the one person that Lucy didn't want to see. It wasn't even though Roxanne had done anything; it was simply that Lucy didn't want to see her and be reminded, painfully, of how much she loved the other girl in a decidedly non-cousinly way. It had been terrible at Hogwarts last year, realizing her crush on Roxanne, not being able to say anything because of the boundaries that separated them. They were _family - _and not just any family, but members of the most famous Wizarding family at that time. Whatever they did would be noticed by people, talked about by people, _criticized _by people. She had watched Alexandra Volante flirt with Roxanne, watched Roxanne not really object, unable to speak up about how much it hurt her to see that happen.

Lucy turned away from the window, flopping down onto her bed. She despised how she felt about Roxanne. If she had to have a crush on a girl, why couldn't it be someone that she at least had a chance with? Why did it have to be someone who was two years older and related to her? Why did it have to be somebody who she could never have?

A knock sounded at her bedroom door, and she sighed. Probably Molly, or maybe the girls' father, coming to see why on earth Lucy had holed herself up in her room. She didn't particularly want to talk to anybody at the moment, but she knew whoever it was wouldn't give up - stubbornness seemed to be a trait that ran in the Weasley-Potter family. "It's open," she called, not making a move to get up. She wasn't facing the door, and as a result, she didn't see who it was until the person sat down right next to her and spoke.

"Hey, Lucy," Roxanne said, "You all right?"

Lucy felt like banging her head against a wall - then, she would be unconscious, and she wouldn't have to deal with the situation. The fact that Roxanne was on her bed, at the same time she was, was at the forefront of her brain, turning all her thoughts to inappropriate ones. _Roxanne and I are in bed. I am on a bed with Roxanne. _She shook her head, trying to clear it. She had to stop thinking this way - for Merlin's sake, Roxanne wasn't interested in her, and never would be. She was only torturing herself by entertaining fantasies, but then, she couldn't help it. She never asked for this - if she had chosen someone to crush on, it sure as hell wouldn't be Roxanne.

"Er," Lucy said eloquently, "I'm fine."

"People were wondering where you were." Roxanne shot a glance towards the window. "Of course, I can understand why you're not down there - Lily's roped half of the people our age into this big debate about which House is the best." Lucy couldn't help but chuckle at that. Typical Lily. "Aunt Gabrielle is trying to stop them, but she's not having much luck."

"If Lily's involved, no one is going to have much luck stopping it," Lucy said dryly, pushing herself to a seated position and scooting a little farther away from Roxanne. If the older girl noticed, she didn't comment. It was difficult to be too close to her - it was too difficult to restrain herself from doing something that wasn't platonic.

Roxanne smiled at that, but her face turned serious quickly. "Why are you alone up here? It's your mum's birthday, and everyone else is together."

Lucy froze. That was the question she hadn't wanted Roxanne to ask; she didn't have an answer to it that didn't involve explaining her feelings, and Merlin knew that wouldn't go over well. Her mind whirred, trying to come up with a plausible excuse, but she was not Lily. She couldn't come up with lies just like that - hell, she couldn't even come up with excuses if she had time to think. She swallowed, twisting her hands in her lap. "It's private," she finally said, her voice quiet.

The older girl raised her eyebrows. "Luce...you do know you can tell me anything, right? You can tell any one of us anything - we're all family. I love you no matter what."

_Yes, but you don't love me in the right way. _The words rose to the front of Lucy's mind. If she had been a Gryffindor, she would have said them, but she wasn't courageous enough to burst out like that and say so. The thought of anyone knowing how she felt was scary, even if it was the subject of her affections. The only thing that would make it better was if Roxanne felt the same way, and Lucy was sure that couldn't be the case.

After all, Roxanne had been flirting with Alexandra Volante, who was everything Lucy wasn't - tall, athletic, beautiful, popular, and wild. If Roxanne fancied someone like Alexandra, there was no way she could ever be interested in quiet, mousy little Lucy. Who would be? She never talked enough at school for anyone to have an interest in her, and although she was less silent with her family, she was still the plain, quiet one compared to all of them. "I can't tell you," Lucy said. "You'd - you'd think I'm weird and disgusting."

Lucy's cousin raised her eyebrows. "Luce. If you think about it, everything about our lives are weird. We're witches. We can do freaking magic. I'm trying to play a professional sport that involves riding broomsticks and handling balls - wow, Merlin, that sounded so inappropriate - and I just finished seven years at a school that taught me spell work and Potions. None of that is normal - it's hard to find something that surprises me anymore, because every single thing about my life is weird, if I think about it. And as far as disgusting...I've been best friends with James Sirius Potter for eighteen years, and I've been witness to many disgusting things in that respect." She shook her head. "Really. There's nothing that I can't handle hearing - you know I'm not judgmental."

"I..." Lucy almost blurted it out, but she clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Lucy." Roxanne's voice was soft. She leaned over, gently putting one of her hands on the younger girl's shoulder. "I don't want you to feel badly about yourself - you're not weird, and you're not disgusting. I know you, Lucy, and I..." She looked as though she was going to say more, but she, too, stopped herself.

"There's something I've always wanted to ask," Lucy said, and then corrected herself. "There's something I've wanted to ask you for a little while now. What - what do you think about me?"

"I think you're brilliant," Roxanne answered, gesturing to the piles of parchment on Lucy's desk. "I think one day, you're going to become a famous writer. I think people underestimate you because you aren't loud and outspoken. And...I think you're beautiful." The last statement was said simply, but softly enough that Lucy, for a moment, wasn't sure if Roxanne really had said it. "I came up here looking for you because I was worried about you," the older girl continued, brushing her dark hair out of her face. "I noticed you weren't there instantly - I notice you, Lucy. Not everyone does, but I do."

Lucy's heart pounded, faster than it ever had before, and she swung her legs off of the bed, standing upright now, looking at Roxanne. "I - I always notice you," Lucy said quietly, disbelieving that she was actually about to say what she had sworn never to reveal to anybody. "I notice you in a way that I'm not supposed to. I - I...I look at you, and I wish we weren't related so that I could feel this way about you without feeling like a - a freak. I feel all sorts of - of wrong, but I also feel like there's nothing that's more right."

She fell silent, watching as Roxanne rose from the bed, also standing, only inches apart from Lucy. "When I said I notice you," Roxanne said, her voice low, "I meant it in the same exact way you do."

"You - you did?" Lucy felt a wave of happiness, pure joy, wash over her. It was the first time in so long that she had felt this blissful, and it felt amazing. "You actually fancy me? Me?"

"You're more amazing than you think," Roxanne said softly, pulling the younger girl into her arms. Her embrace was strong and comfortable, and to Lucy, nothing could feel more natural than being there, locked in an embrace with the girl she loved. Lucy looked up at Roxanne, and then stood on her tiptoes, tangling her hands in the other girl's hair and pressing her lips to Roxanne's. It felt just as amazing as she had imagined, if not more so, and she let out a quiet, contented sigh as Roxanne kissed back, their lips moving in sync with one another. It was beautiful, perfect, everything she had ever imagined.

She had dreamed of this moment; although she had figured it would never happened, she had spent time, both awake and asleep, dreaming about what it would be like to kiss Roxanne. She had imagined it in different locations - the shoreline near Shell Cottage, the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts, and the small copse of trees behind Aunt Ginny and Uncle Harry's house had all made more than one appearance in Lucy's mind. But this - this was even better, because it was real.

To some people, it may have been wrong, but to them, at least now, it was perfectly right.


End file.
